What really happened?

Bella Mankowitz

When last did you finish your day with tears in your eyes and a feeling that you needed time alone, to sit by the sea, and recall and understand what has happened?

Yesterday was one of those days.  Not that I fully understand  why yesterday was not like the day before, or the day before that, but I do understand  that the day ended with a feeling of wonder, of creativity and a puzzlement of how it happened, and even a question of 'Could it? Would it? Will it? Can it? happen again", and even gently asking myself - "Can one slip back after going forward?"  Almost like asking, can I "not know how to ride a bike after I have learnt to ride?  And is this the same situation?

As the years go by I increasingly feel that teaching children is some kind of a special art, an art that is not learnt anywhere, in any seminar or university, but learnt from mistakes that have been made on the way.  An art that comes about by listening and not by putting colour on paper or stringing beads or knitting shawls. When I tried to think of something that I could compare the feeling with, I first said to myself 'it was like being a conductor, conducting an orchestra".  But no, that is not true.  I wasn't on any podium and there wasn't any orchestra.  So maybe we were two fiddlers on the roof playing together?  When closing my eyes and allowing my thoughts to drift while trying to recapture the "feeling" of the session, it felt more like two dancers dancing...sensing each others body language and rhythm and finding different and new steps to fit in with the music, but all the time a togetherness. An easy flow that flows between people who have let go completely of ego and manipulation.  Something pure.  Something different. And I think something that could not happen with every pupil/teacher combination.

The stories of failure at school made no sense to me. Mike [pseudonym] was such a pleasant, intelligent kid who HATED his teacher and school.  Nothing went well for him...his arithmetic skills were nil, his reading was far from being what they should be, his writing was a pain in the neck and there was  nothing that he really enjoyed.  What do you want to do when you get older, I asked?  A carpenter, the answer came as quick as a flash.  There is no need for maths, reading or writing in that profession, he explained.

When doing a quick assessment of his school skills I didn't get the picture of someone who had problems with maths, reading or writing , and so the big question was "why was school such a punishment for Mike?"

This was our third session together, and I asked myself how come this bright, intelligent child was a total failure in the educational system. His parents are loving, kind, giving and understanding parents.  The school that he goes to is based on the famous Steiner system. and so what was going wrong?

We decided we would divide that day's session between maths, reading and writing.  When I asked Mike to explain how he solved a maths problem -something simple like 7+8, he started explaining that if he takes 5 from the 7 then he is left with 2 and if he takes 5 from the 8 then he is left with 3 and then he adds 5+5 he has 10, and then he  adds on the 2 and then he has 12 and then another 3 and he has 15. Correct answer indeed...but what a lot of remembering and juggling with numbers. If this is the way he worked, then by the fourth exercise he must be exhausted. BUT it also meant that he had quite a mastery of the subject and certainly understood what numbers were about. I chose my words very carefully (part of the dance) and said I thought he had a good head for maths but what we were going to do was to find different ways of solving the same exercise.  And then we would decide together which was the most efficient way for him. In the end he decided that 7+7 he knows, and so he just has to add on the extra 1, and that was quick and easy.  And so we worked on different ways of doing addition and subtraction and the challenge was to  find the quickest, easiest and most efficient way to solve the problem.  When he didn't come up with an answer immediately I would say "taking too long -not efficient!" and a big smile and nod from him, and he immediately changed tactics.  I was interested to know from Mike how he had come to the methods that he had come to, and it was exciting for us both to discover that he was so bored with the teacher and the constant repetition in the classroom that he looked for ways and means of making things more interesting for himself. 

Chapter 10

THROUGH THE CAVE

As I enter into the cave I become aware of  a light source very far off in the distance and realise this may be my only hope of escaping to the outside.

I enter the cave and the air is heavy with the smell of bats and slightly damp earth. The deeper I go, the narrower and smaller the cave becomes.

The light source is clearly some distance in front of me and I feel an urgency to press on as rapidly as I can. In my mind I hear the voice of Wantana…'always be mindful and don’t let your emotions dominate, even when they cannot be controlled'. He often reminds me that human beings have this special quality of being able to be both emotional and yet aware of our emotions. When awareness is present, then the emotion will not overwhelm and through the light of awareness the gifts of spirit can reveal themselves And so I let my fear and anxiety be present but remain in awareness as I move slowly through the cave towards the light.

I am like a warrior, my fear and anxiety press every cell of my body into alertness and my awareness sits on my shoulders, keeping control. As I move forward I am suddenly aware that the little window of light seems to be fading and I realise night must be approaching. Soon the light is gone and I am left in total darkness.

While pressing forward is clearly an option there is also the chance that without the light to guide me I may turn down another tunnel and remain lost inside this mountain. The thought is too frightening to contemplate and despite the tension of remaining where I am I decide to be more wise than afraid, and remain in the place I am where the light at the other end of the tunnel will  still be visible in the morning. I wish Mystery the dog was with me.

Chapter 9

INTO THE CAVE

I realise very quickly that my predicament is exceedingly dangerous.

There's a long drop to the ground and the tree appears to be growing out of the sheer rock. I'm afraid even to breathe as it seems possible that the tree could dislodge from its tenuous hold on the mountain.  And then I see the eagle. The eagle has appeared before when I was lost and somehow seemed connected to Wantana. I'm  aware that every time I've seen the eagle I've had a wonderful sense of relief, as if everything will be okay, that I am being watched and will not come to any harm.  

The eagle flies towards me and with much squawking and crying alights somewhere behind me. It continues to make an incredible noise and  I became aware that somehow it wants me to turn around. This is no easy task. Any sudden movement could break the tree from its hold and it has taken all my effort just to hold on. I realise however that this cannot  go on for much longer. I'm  tiring fast and something needs to be done quickly. Very slowly holding my breath, as if it will somehow  make me lighter, I turn in the direction of the eagle call.  It's then that I see a narrow shelf that can be reached if I carefully work myself closer to the rock face.

With every last ounce of my strength I slowly edge along the branch of the tree, finding a hand hold on the rock, and carefully edge towards the shelf. Finally I  collapse into the space where the eagle had perched. The eagle has disappeared. Who are you, I wonder, and what is your connection to Wantana.  I lie back for a moment and contemplate my predicament.

Chapter 8
The place where the hare disappeared

In learning to deal with this crisis I begin to understand that my disempowerment is what I do to myself because of the fear of my own power. Standing up and facing my fear arises from a place deeper than the emotions of fear and I know in some strange way that excites me that I need to discover that place again and that Wantana will help me to go there

We have been walking for most of the day apart from a stop to have a short rest and eat some wild figs along the way. I have been walking a short distance behind Wantana with Mystery between us looking back every now and again...